Quicunque

Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

At the core of me is a survival story. Despite what last year threw at me and dragged me though, I'm not a victim, not a failure, not a has-been. I'm still standing and still strong, still quietly walking towards the future with my eyes on the event horizon. I don't share my story with the world because it's something internal and personal and what does the world care anyway.

When I consider my responses to the prompts this month, both those written and those silently contemplated, I find a general lack of respect for trite or flimsy buzzspeak and a mile-wide streak of cynicism. I don't think that's a bad thing. Cynicism isn't necessarily a negative trait; it's the inevitable result of walking through the world with open eyes and mind. Nor is it unexpected that I find it threaded through my reflections; years ago one of my first lovers told me that for a romantic idealist, I was awfully cynical.

I'm just glad to have got to end of Reverb 10, and completed it with my sanity and sense of humour intact. I can start analysing whether I achieved anything from it beyond the miracle of completion in itself once the initial heady rush has subsided. A post mortem of the experience will no doubt follow later.

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Gifts have been rather sparse this year as myself and everyone else I know in fleshpace are being dull and economising. I did treat myself to a new snow shovel, but I'm not sure that was particularly inspirational to look back on. It was damned useful though, and I had many occasions to bless it heartily in the few snow-blanketed weeks before Christmas. I was given an Amazon voucher for Christmas which was most eagerly welcomed too, since I'm in desperate need of something to read and the local library doesn't seem to have had any new books in since 1976. But I suppose the gift I'll most remember from this year is that my partner and his father together provided the wherewithal for us to be able to take a much-needed holiday in the sun even though I wasn't earning any money and couldn't have paid my own way.

Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

I'm having a déjà vu moment - haven't we covered this territory several times already? There's not a great deal more I can honestly say that I haven't said before - the event that most affected my life this year was losing one job and getting another, and that's it.

I feel like I should invent something more interesting 0_o

Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

Since I haven't been able to find fulfillment this year, I suppose that's going to be the main thing I'd want to find in the next. But it's a fluffy, intangible thing to aim for -- not a specific something I can qualify like having an ambition to win a gold medal at the Olympics, getting a top job, having a book published or marrying George Clooney. It's the weaving together of all the strands, the bringing into actuality of hopes and intentions, the feeling I'm travelling the right road and doing something rewarding and meaningful that I enjoy. Been a long time since I achieved that, but I know it's do-able because I've done it before. I just need to work on doing it again.

When I attain fulfillment, I will feel... uh, fulfilled. I mean, satisfied. Contented. Like, duh.

Okay, time for a list. I love lists. This is my 10 things/thoughts:

1. Don't let the bastards grind me down
2. Accentuate the positive
3. Keep the goal realistic, and in sight
4. Don't beat myself up about failures
5. Celebrate the milestones
6. Get a new hobby!
7. Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
8. Make more quality time for the important people/cats/things in my life
9. Finish up some of those started-and-abandoned projects
10. Like myself

Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year

Life is filled with ordinary joys and small pleasures, but ordinary moments are not the kind that you can just pull out of a hat and say THIS was the best one. It might have been any number of times I paused on the highest point of the ridge to look back down the trail into the green valley spread out below, or any of the times I saw low sunlight glancing through the beech and silver birches, or walked through a carpet of bluebells. It might have been sitting on the steps of a cathedral in an ancient sunlit, tree-filled square listening to a street musician play stately baroque guitar pieces, but most likely it was one of those quiet, understated but still profund moments of peace and connection shared by two humans, 6 (or 5) cats, a bar of Bonnat chocolate and a good film.

Prompt: Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Oh my. I was already struggling to take this seriously and then I re-read that last sentence and had to bite back the most obvious and very raunchy reply that immediately jumped into my head! Someone should really have thought harder about their phraseology there; we don't all have clean minds.

Okay, moving on.

My culinary highlight of the year was a box of Indian sweets I gorged on shamelessly. A friend who knew I loved them had brought me a box of assorted varieties for my birthday - some gleaming with edible silver foil, others glistening with sugar syrup, some were halwas studded with slivers of pistachios and dates. Despite the high sugar and and condensed milk content, I have no self-control when it comes to Indian sweets, and although they made me a very happy (albeit slightly queasy) bunny indeed, I have to admit there is very little soul-ful about my greed for them. It's just as well they are such a rare treat, I suppose. I'm drooling just thinking about them.

Prompt: Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

Now you do realise there is totally no way this is going to happen, don't you? If I'm not prepared to share my real name online, nor am I likely to share my photo, telephone number or bank account details. Besides, no photograph can tell more than a fragment of a story. There is so much more to a person than can ever be captured in one imagine. A thousand words is not enough to encapsulate anything significant about me. 50000 to 100000 words is considered an average count for a chapter, but my life is a whole novel.

Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Now just you hold your cotton-pickin' horses there - what makes you so confident that everything is going to be alright when I'm not so sure myself?

Best moment? *snorts* Sure, I'm not down in the very bottom of the trough of despair, but not only do I have no even half-way convincing proof that everything is going to be alright, but if I am to look at hard economics and general satisfaction with my life, all is NOT okay and I have to say I find this prompt's giddy assumption that it is to be totally patronising.

Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

But why for just one day? It would be Jerry Cornelius, and technically, I do it every day.

Yes, that's right people, I am sorry to disillusion you but Jerry Cornelius is not really my real name. It's simply the nom de guerre I adopted some years ago for the online writing/social communities I participate in, and it's the monicker the interwebs companions I met through those channels still know me best by. I've never used my real name online and never will.

It's slightly creepy how quickly one can grow into a cyber name though. The boundaries start blurring rather more readily than you'd expect. It hasn't happened yet but it wouldn't surprise me if I did absent-mindedly introduce myself to a fleshspace stranger as Jerry Cornelius and I'd certainly answer to it if I heard it called. But then, I've been known to say 'lol' in normal conversation when preoccupied so who am I to joke about it?.

Hasn't everyone invented new or different names for themselves ever since they were old enough to be discontented with what their parent's labelled them with? The first name I can remember wanting to adopt was Marmaduke, after our neighbour's handsome ginger tomcat, and I never looked back. I love doing those silly "Your Rockstar/Stripper/Redneck/Alien Lifeform Name is...." quizzes. Life on the internet has made it so much easier to adopt whatever name (or however many) you want without question or need for legal formalities. Yay verily, we live in escapist times.

Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

'How' is a very odd question! I travelled in the usual way most human beings do. On foot, in a car or coach, occasionally a tram or train, twice an airplane. And I guess next year I will be employing exactly the same modes of transport unless someone invents a really small, economical and easy-to-park trans-atmospheric spacecraft in the meantime.

Where I would like to travel is a better question. I would like to return to Italy, specifically Siciliy or Rome. However, due to financial constraints, I know that isn't at all likely. If I'm lucky we might be able to afford to take a small holiday somewhere in England in the autumn.

Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

How can I give myself advice for the future since I do not know what will; happen or what will be required? So much is happening that is out of my hands I can't begin to imagine where I will be in five years. All I can say is that any projection based on the current trend is not something to look forward to, and I can only admonish myself to stand fast, hold tight and deal with it.

As for my younger self...

Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

There were many things I didn't do this year but most of them were to do with the lack of temporal and financial resources. Of those that weren't, well, I should have written more, I should have stayed in better touch with my friends, I should have appreciated the rare day of sunshine because the next day it rained for a month, I should have told my partner more often than I did that I love him.

Will I do it? I have the best of intentions.

Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I cannot do better with this prompt than direct you to Ashtoreth the Eldritch's response to this prompt, where she gives the answer I believe it cries out for. I honestly can't think of anything else to add, except that I went light on the chilli powder and am not so confident about increasing my exercise in 2011, but found grapefruit seed oil essential for tummy upsets (most of which were occasioned by my cooking).

Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

Like several others I could have liked this prompt better if it had said 'experiment with' instead of 'try', because although it might seem like idle semantics, there is a subtle difference in positivity involved. One is to attempt something with a view to achievement, the other is to test it with a view to discovery,

I am notorious (short concentration span, butterfly brain yadda yadda) for experimenting with many different things, some of which I adopt as more serious pursuits and some of which I decide simply aren't for me. I do things simply because I am interested in new experiences, it's rarely deliberately planned, and carries no obligation of guilt or failure.

Thanks to several unforeseen domestic disasters, including the death of my heating boiler during the coldest week in 30 years and subsequent inability to stay in the unheated computer den for any period of time, I'm falling behind with Reverb 10. Can't say I'm all that eager to tackle the couple of prompts I've missed so far, but I did so want to complete something I started this year that I'll likely catch up as soon as my fingers thaw enough.

Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I learnt that even though I may throw my hands in the air like a temperamental diva and proclaim that life sucks/the future is hopeless/Ragnarök is upon us and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are entering the home straight, somehow I still endure. That's something to feel pretty satisfied about, no?

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

Let me say straight up, I don't have a great circle of friends, just a few soul mates. I'm a solitary, antisocial, shy person and as with most things in life I've always pursued quality over quantity when it comes to making friends. Those I do have are very treasured and appreciated - yeah, even if I forget to let them know that as often as I should. Some of my dearest friends I have never met in person, and may never do so, but that doesn't mean I value them any the less. Fleshspace and interwebs friends alike encourage and inspire my creativity, support me and raise my spirits when I'm down, scold, sympathise and laugh with me. And I love 'em for it.

I don't think I've changed myself or my outlook radically this year because of a anything a friend has said or done, and to be honest I'm not sure I would want to. Sure, we've mutually introduced each other to new authors, new music, new cafés that serve ace Italian coffee. But to me, friendship is about comfort and familiarity rather than radical change. Warm fuzzies, dude.

Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Five minutes is too generous - thirty seconds would suffice. I'd rather forget about most of last year. The largest part I want to remember, or will want to in the future, are the stories I've written or brainstormed with my co-writer. The other good stuff - the moments of love and laughter, the days the sun shone and the soft warmth of living fur beneath my hand - were not unique to 2010; they are tucked away in the old neural connections and I hope I shall experience them all over again, and afresh, in 2011.

Of course, some people, including my long-suffering partner, would say I didn't have a memory to lose. Sometimes that's an advantage. What was I saying?

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?