I’ve never been one for pouring my guts out even to fleshspace friends, much less relative strangers (often accused of being almost obsessively private) but sometimes I do get the urge to talk just for the sake of it. Sometimes it’s a restorative exercise.

This last year has seen many changes for me. I had a dragging illness, which because I’ve always been a disgusting healthy person and was totally unprepared for the psychological impact, threw me totally off course. It made me re-evaluate a lot of things I’d been taking for granted too, or had been too lethargic to address. The result of it has been that while I am as involved as ever with some of the online activities and places I’ve been involved in for the last 5-6 years, I’ve also let go of others and opened up more space to let the light in. My personal priorities have shifted, and after having spent so long in what now seems like a self-imposed closed bubble, I’m starting to discover different things again.

There’s been my work situation too. The last few years have not been kind in that respect. I’m now earning a quarter of what I was doing 4 years ago, when we had a portfolio of 40 or so small-to-medium business clients and a couple of big globals on the books. The SMEs have dissolved away one-by-one, either victims themselves of tough times, or because what we offered them was no longer an arcane art they had to employ outside specialists to do. And in times of economic hardship, the first thing even global businesses shed is non-essential “luxuries” like website maintenance. However I shouldn't complain about the quarter-pay, because I got the final confirmation this morning that my job will definitely cease to exist at all in a few months time, and I’ll be just another statistic of the recession.

Now losing my job is not such a bad thing, probably. Over the last couple of years I’ve grown to hate the work I do. Seems inconceivable sometimes that it was ever something I used to do as a hobby, for fun. Trust me – think carefully before making your leisure hobby into your job, it can kill your pleasure in it when you no longer have just yourself to amuse or please.

So even though I am nervous of stepping back into the world, this is a change I need, and while the job existed, I would remain stuck in it. Yes, I am unavoidably concerned about how my partner and I will manage financially, but I’m not going to worry too much about that yet. It’s no big deal; it happens to other people all the time. When one door closes, often another opens up. Maybe I’ll be panicking and screaming tomorrow, but today instead of thinking of this as the end of something, I’m trying to look at it as the beginning of something else.

Oh, and happy Midsummer Day! According to folklore, Midsummer was a time when one could look into the future, for both good or bad. I’m not sure I dare look at all….

Mood: Solipsist
What I'm listening to: The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There Is a Season)

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!